Relationship Patterns Form at Ages 0-3
Attachment can be basically defined as the ability to form and keep relationships with others in a healthy and fulfilling manner. Many may be unaware, however, that a large part of learning how to form attachments occurs from the ages of 0-3. This is where infants learn what to expect from the world and how to respond to it. If a child learns dysfunctional patterns during this period, they can often stay with the child for the rest of their life. Research also shows that this is the time where the child learns empathy and how to genuinely care for others.
There are four main types of attachment:
- Secure: The parent responds to the child, meeting their needs in a loving and nurturing way. The child feels secure in the relationship and knows what to expect from the parent.
- Avoidant: The parent does not meet the child’s needs and does not give them the emotional reassurance they need when they are upset or in distress. The child will begin to avoid seeking comfort from the parent at all and perhaps ignore them. They may even be very friendly with strangers and seek comfort from a stranger over the parent.
- Ambivalent: The parent responds to the child’s needs at times and at other times they do not. The child is never sure when they will be comforted or forgotten. The child will often become fussy, confused, and anxious; they reach out for the parents comfort but then seem resistant to take it.
- Disorganized: The parent responds in a frightening way when the child is in distress or seeks comfort. The child is frightened by the very place they are supposed to go to seek comfort. The child can show a mixture off odd behaviors, seem dazed, and avoid the caregiver.
In reading these descriptions, it is easy to see how parenting during these early years can affect the way an individual sees the world later in life and how their relationships with others are often based on how they were responded to as an infant and child. Research shows that 0-3 are the critical ages where these world views are set.
When an infant is not receiving the comfort and reassurance that they need from their caregiver they will often respond in maladaptive ways. For example, a child that is not receiving the responses they need may attempt to get the comfort elsewhere, such as from strangers. Everyone who sees the child remarks how friendly and loving the child is, when in fact, the child has no firm attachment to anyone and is therefore seeking comfort indiscriminately.
Parents may not consistently respond to infants in secure, loving, and dependable ways for many different reasons. They may have been parented in an insecure attachment manner themselves and are simply doing what they know to do, they may be bombarded by emotional issues of their own or childhood issues they have not worked through, or maybe the family is overwhelmed with a difficult situation or time period. Whatever the reasons, studies have shown that these patterns can be changed and improved.
Below are some actions that lead toward healthy attachment:
- Model empathy for your child, showing concern for their hurt as well as that of others.
- Attempt to identify your child’s needs when they come to you and meet them as soon as possible, especially if they are seeking comfort or affirmation.
- Try to be really with your child in their time of need, experiencing it with them, not just trying to fix the problem. This helps them to emotionally connect.
- Try to respond to your child in a consistent and structured manner where they know what to expect.
- Begin as early as possible. Even talking to them in the womb can begin to foster the relationship on your end as well.
- Take time-outs to at the end of the day to realize where you may not be aiding your child’s attachment and the reasons behind this.
- And finally, be willing to get help if needed. If you know there are things in your situation or past that affect your relationship with your baby, professionals can often help you to make sense of these and work through them.
ECI attempts to provide a safe and positive environment in which parents can thrive along with their little ones. If you a have a concern about your child’s social/emotional health or would like to learn more about fostering healthy attachment please contact ECI at 940-322-0771 or email here.